8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn’t so. Personally, I’ve had moments where I’ll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I’ll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our ‘issues,’ some ‘issues’ are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your ‘buttons’ are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them “It isn’t always about you.”

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can’t appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they’ll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people’s unique perspectives refreshing, they find them ‘wrong’. If you like someone’s eclectic taste, they find it ‘disturbing’ or ‘bad’.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can’t do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a ‘there, there’ type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren’t sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won’t be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don’t respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don’t see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you’ll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

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toxic personalities, toxic relationships, unhealthy relationships

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Robert in Toronto

You obviously were skirting around “Feminist Freda”. She possesses each & every one of these Cluster-B character traits, all in a single 500 gallon waste drum-barrel-shaped morphology. She should be shunned, silenced (with a scold’s bridal), & left to abuse her hoard of cats.
Donesha

I live with judgmental jim!! lol
ormando

what about the peter pan patricks, the man or woman thats still a boy or girl drinking partying most nights, who needs constant validation from others and might occationally talk like an adult at times but actions speak louder than words. They have unrealistic ideas of ‘settling down’ and deal with most issues by finding another concert or party to go to instead of facing the challenges required. Perhaps they have been in serious relationships in the past but at the time of true commitment they have left a string of confused faces.

They are unrealisic and rigid in their ways and cannot maintain the adult side for more than a day with their view on life being all about fun.

People often mention how cool and fun they are to you and as a friend they are but for a relationship of intimacy and connection they are toxic.

-Ive gotta stick to my values next time.
Susie

Namaste!

I just found this blog and commentary early this morning, after spending NYE with my three sisters and brother, at the annual party. It dawned on me, just prior to leaving that event, that I cannot continue to accept the toxic comments and manipulation that is practiced by two sisters.

My older sister constantly compares us to deceased relatives and makes her own judgement on who we are like. Most passed on prior to our achieving adulthood, so this is based on her ideas and what she believes our mother told her about them. At one point, after she had been gushing on and on about how much my younger sister is most like our mother, that younger sister then turned to me and said that I was most like our most profane(and abused) aunt, who was actually the hardest working and most entreprenuerial of all five aunts on that side of the family. She wasn’t the easiest person to deal with, but she fought back and achieved many things; our mother was quite fond of her. I am overly polite and very non-profane, so it didn’t make sense to me at all. It was the javelin of the night and part of what caused be to eventually get up and walk toward the coat closet.

She meant it as an insult but I then responded that I take after our mother in the areas of adventure and social service, like sky diving, flying, volunteering and public speaking, none of which they do. Okay then. It’s the Momsters (with children) versus the Tomboys (without children) in our family; they never stop criticizing our youngest sister so I’m not really surprised that she has so many issues.

I confided once (only!) with my older sister about a difficult time in my life and within one day her daughter in law unfriended me on Facebook! I knew she had told her my confidential story as I rarely ever see that woman, much less confide in her; it was the realization that whatever I say becomes immediate gossip. That was very enlightening, to say the least. I’ve been too trusting and naive; now I’m only on FB with my aviation buddies.

Both Momsters have a very unusual relationship and attachment to each other and I’ve wondered for some time if there is more to that than meets the eye. They think we will all end up together in old age but no, I will not go there. I would easily become the abused Cinderella in that situation, starting the cycle all over again.

After moving back to my home state four years ago and being gone for about 40 years, I have been trying to rebuild relationships with all of my sisters. This has had a boomerang effect, where I get sucked in and realize I’ve become just like them, followed by an about-face, where I flee that situation, go into avoidance mode and move back to who I am. Then they are really nice to me and I get sucked in again, ending up in the same cycle. Having grown up in the same toxic family, I’ve tried for decades to change my behaviour for the better and was a bit shocked to find out they never changed a bit, just became more so.

I’ve continued to work on having more emotional intelligence when dealing with them, but last night I found myself feeling sad again and just wanting to flee the party. When I first arrived here in my home state, I went through some family counseling regarding their behaviour and that person advised that I should stay away from them. But they are family, right? After struggling with it for years now, I’m ready to start 2013 anew. Last night was the defining moment for me.

Going forward it will mean limited exposure on major holidays and always planning my early departure; unless I schedule trips to see friends on those dates! We are all now in our 60s and they will not change these patterns because they see nothing wrong with these javelins being thrown. The insecurity and jealousy is held very deep in their personalities and nothing I do will change that. I vow not to be manipulated or take any of this nonsense seriously, I have my own life to live and there is much to be done to leave my mark for a better society.

I was alone too long with strong self-esteem to accept this treatment any longer; my friends view me with honor, respect and love. Now that I realize my siblings won’t ever accept me for who I really am, it’s time to follow my vision and live my life however I want. Freedom at last from that mental trap!

Thank you Brett for this insightful article and best wishes for a blessed and happy new year!
- brettblumenthal
  
  Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. Realization and seeing the light is what is most important! Good luck and happy New year!
Mary B.

My sister is all of the above–she is 75 now and I put up with her for six decades. Taking all the characteristics into consideration, she is just plain creepy. Now she’s using all her toxic tactics on our other sister, who is a kind and sweet person. I’ve tried to warn this sister that she’s in for a tough time. (She has MS and is not very well.) So happy I got rid of the toxicity of toxic sister. I love her, but as my sister, not the mentally-ill woman she has become.
Andrei

I just read your response to the article about toxic relationships. I’m like you, about the same age too. Maybe it’s a stage in our human development where we outgrow and rise above the downtrodders. We only live once, it’s our life so we’re taking back what’s left of it. I’ve also stopped drinking, (self-medicating), and feel so in control it’s scary. I’m ready to take on the world!
Mary

Try something really interesting if you are unlucky enough to still have one of the above types in your life, a type of psychological experiment: mirror back EXACTLY what they project onto you and others BACK TO THEM.

The interesting thing is, they will go away and LEAVE YOU ALONE, because they no longer have anything to FEED off of emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. It’s like shining a 100,000 mega-watt bulb on a vampire…and that’s what these people are, emotional and psychological VAMPIRES~
- fool me once
  
  I hatevto admit it, but this comment is basically right Toma at least in my current situation. I got involved with a coworker, big mistake I know, who he is manipulative to almost exactly how it is defined here. The difference was that I couldn’t lose face at work when he would play his mind games… Which involved him gazing at me intensely saying he missed me and why have I been MIA… I held this disillusioned image of what our relationship was, or could be for that matter, resulting in liking the strength to hold on to boundaries that would have prevented need from ignoring my values and believe about what a real relationship entails
Mary

I was an alcoholic for years and dated and lived with another one (can anyone say “disaster”?) I finally got sober and well…him, not so much. After leaving, growing, changing and finding happiness with myself and somewhat normal (non-dysfunctional) people, the difference is amazing. While I take full responsibility for my past and actions, these people never do, and their only joy is blame, control, chaos, and anger. This man still is trying to contact me after 2 years perplexed about why I want nothing to do with him or his even sicker family. My stance: your first obligation is to YOURSELF. Stay away from toxic people: weed them out of your life, and be cautious about who you let in. Be selective, like a club. You cannot fix or change anyone, period. It is amazing how once you get away from them, you can spot these personalities immediately and it becomes a natural aversion to stay away…almost like a noxious chemical that irritates your eyes and nose and makes you queasy.

Do yourself a favor: don’t walk away…RUN. They don’t get it, and probably never will. Don’t waste your time and energy…life is full of better things. Period.
Revenge

just got rid of two toxic people in my life and it feels great!!! Both of them are selfish, time-wasters, and are not interested in building genuine friendships with me so I just dumped them just like that! Good riddance to bad rubbish. And I wasn’t even nice about it, I just told them off just like that. That’s what you should tell toxic ppl, don’t play mrs. nice, rub it back in their faces! let them taste a bit of their own medicine for a change.
subhankar

My ex girlfriend shared many of these traits. We were in long distance relationship for a long time. She would often complain about my appearance and then say she loved me in spite of my deficiencies. I used to get really depressed every time I heard that. I used to do everything in my capacity to meet her, please her and so (including booking several flight tickets to see her) . She was penniless and always complaining why I couldn’t be with her. Her complaints often affected my mental peace and studies. Still I, being a co dependent person stayed on. Then last month she dumped me saying I am too selfish. I initially felt rather depressed. Then I realised a few days back, my life was totally depressing because of her, I was always tense and I simply stopped being myself. I feel liberated now and thank heavens that she left me. I want to get myself back on track and be more confident before getting into another relationship
Smokin Bear

Excellent article addressing a very real social problem. THANK YOU! I was raised in an exceedingly toxic home – Parental and sibling narcissism including manipulation followed by intense physical beatings if I ever dared say ‘no’ – I became a fearful ‘people pleaser,’ always giving the best of myself for the sake of others and expecting a stomping at every turn.
A byproduct of my upbringing is that I was imprinted with the belief that I was nothing and deserved only crumbs in life and therefore sought out people who fit the family roles that I thought were ‘normal’ – people I now understand are Toxic Friends. I’ve since reached a point of clarity after turning 50 and have been removing the ‘crumbs’ from my life – people who mistreated me and took advantage of my good will on a regular basis – every one of them fit the definitions in your article to a T.
Through years of counseling, I’ve learned to say no and emotionally detach from these sick people. My brother and sister are pushing 60 and still enmeshed in their jealousy, hyper-criticism, bullying, lying and abuse. Mom, as the supreme Narcissistic Manipulator, at 80 is still trying to hold court over the lives of her adult children. I’ve successfully set real boundaries but it is ongoing work and exhausting at times.
As I’m embracing the notion of filtering, recognizing that I do have good healthy people in my life, each day holds promise for growth.
- brettblumenthal
  
  Toxicity is insidious…for sure. And unfortunately, many of us don’t even see it when it is there. I’m glad to hear that you’ve found ways to combat it and create a more healthy, happy life!
disqus_k0EwDOgQCg

Both of my parents are both judgmental Jims. My father is a narcissistic nancy. I moved away from them and right in and married a woman who was a manipulative mary, a narcissistic nancy, a debbie downer, a judgmental jim, a disrespectful danny and a never enough nelly. I had never dated anyone before her and she was my first everything. She saw my codependent self coming a mile away and latched on. I was 23 and she was 34. I stayed with her for 7 years until I couldn’t take anymore. Now it’s 8 months later and I am STILL a mess. If you see these people coming RUN. they will suck the life out of you.
hermanita

I have a sister who is bipolar and everything else and it was sucking the life out of me. What I did for her was never enough. A few years back, I was very ill and was trying to get together with her. I agreed to drive to her place, because she doesn’t drive or have a car. I was so ill I could barely stand but wanted to honor our time. The day off I was so ill I called her and said if she could come to my place instead and perhaps take the bus. She flatly refused. After that I was done and we haven’t spoken in two years. People wonder why we don’t speak and I later found out she was telling other people that I ‘disowned’ her and ‘put her on the back burner’ She got that one right! I needed to put myself first after all these years and place the energy back to me instead of on a “Never Enough Nellie”
Pay

This is a really great read. I for myself is dealing with these kind of people right now. I found all these characteristic on one person- my bestfriend! And right now he’s been dating an insincere manipulative person and his other close friend is a real dream-killing backstabbing bully. At first I had this gut feeling that they’ve been backstabbing me to some of our friends (who apparently hated me so I turned back from the group) but I gave the friendship another shot until a time someone hacked his facebook and sent me their conversations. I am a christian and it is so hard not to forgive people esp if you love them so I gave him the second chance but recently, it happened again. His close friend who befriended me, stabbed me on the back again and his manipulative partner asked him to turn his back on me again and he did on the moment I needed him the most, he was gone. Just like that. So I figured, I should be done too and move on. It is hard and I’m still on the process of coping and moving forward but I really think this is for the better coz the relationship is already exhausting! And besides, I already lost my trust on my bestfriend now and I’m tired trying to fit in with them. I cannot be someone I hate! Ill move on!
Karen

The abusive and horrible woman who adopted me is just like all these types. She pretty much ruined my life before I realized what she had been up to. I find most adoptive mothers like 2 or 3 of these personality types because they can not accept their infertility, they hate fertile women and are control freaks like no other. This is one of the reasons the adoption system HAS to go. I don’t think the general public is full aware of how adoption really destroys a person.
Tuesday

Hey Tom,
I can identify with your situation with your daughter. I too have a 21 yr old daughter who was every bit of a terror in so many ways from the time she was 14. By the time she was 18, she was telling me I had no legal rights to put her out of the house. I decided not to play into her games any longer and made a tough love choice. I put her out of the house.
By doing this, and sticking to it to this day, I not only saved my sanity but also impowered her to take responsibility for her own life, choices, behavior and all the splendor and magic that she creates as a result.
It’s been very hard for her at times and heartbreaking for me too. Especially because she now has my beautiful 2 year old grandson. But the very best I could do for her as a parent was to continue to encourage her that ” she can do this thing called life, and she will make it.”
Because when we open the door up and shelter our scared adult children, we are giving them the direct message that they can not do it on their own. And the longer we give them this message by “helping them”, the better the chances are that they will never make it on their own.
Now really, it’s not as if their very life will be revoked as a result of them not applying themselves. And that is something we, as parents, have to realize too. There are always struggles in life. They are harder at the beginning of being out on your own. And really they are only harder because you haven’t figured out what to do to find solutions yet. But if parents provide solutions for adult children’s life struggles, they will never find solutions.
The momma eagle drops her young from high up, in mid flight. Because the young have to learn to fly on their own, or they will not survive. They must learn to fly by figuring it out on their own, without a cushion to land on. Knowing that there is no cushion creates a healthy amount of fear that then leads young adults to learn from mistakes, over come fears, create solutions, become independent, and build self confidence. Even if they have to sleep on friends couches (NOT YOURS), work for minimum wage at a job they hate, go without a car, and even experience people that are not going to treat them nicely.
Only in hard times do we really know what good times are. And only when we have faced our own struggles do we appreciate the struggles others face. And only when we never give up telling our kids not to give up, will we be able to experience enjoyable relationships with our adult kids. All it takes is faith. And a big dose of tough love without any guilt residue.
This is the time for you to enjoy the job you have done as a parent. And completed!
Best of luck. You can do this!
LA

Greetings! I bring the toxic people into my life because I see my self ( old toxic traits ) in people and think that I can fix them or it (the problem)
I don’t need to fix anyone but my self, I will always removed my self, from the toxic traits when needed, it’s everywhere all around us, TV,Faceboook, Internet, Churches, Schools, Gov, etc. But!!! Choosing to love unconditional to the point of laughing Your ass off at people! And most denfinitely your self. We as a society of humans need to understand that theres a solution and an answer to the problem, so completing is not the answer to the problem or the solution, I feel that we need love in and out of everything that we see and do, as a people we are reflecting one another… We are mirrors of each other.
Love will always bring peace!
Blessing to all
LA
Tom

Interesting article. I have a daughter who fits about half of these personalities herself. My other two children are nothing like her.

She is 21 lives at home and can barely function in the world. I am going crazy. I can’t live with her; she is a constant source of anxiety, anguish and demands–emotional, psychological and financial, but I can’t turn her out–she would never survive.

Her toxic personality is source of conflict within my marriage and my life.

I have no joy in life, and no hope that the future will change. Day to day life is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If anything a major life crisis that demands all my energy and resources happen at least three times a year, and each one is usually worse than the previous.

She sucks the life out of me.
- Anon
  
  Why the hell haven’t you kicked her out of home?!!! She’s an adult now!
Murt

Hi Brett, Thanks for this wonderful and truthful article. Yes, I am struggling with one person who has all of these negativeness. The sad part is that I am stuck with that person in work and everyday affairs day and night.He is one single drain source of all energy. I tried my level best to be a good friend and change him. But nothing working out. Everything is just drama and manipulation.
I tried to keep completely quiet and start ignoring it, but Everyday that person comes up with false obligations against me for no reason in sending false opinions to people around me. If I do something to help someone in work, He would tell ‘ You are setting a wrong example, Because of you, others grade/ranking are coming down’. Don’t help like that. I am just praying for either 1. Give me the power to change the negativeness of this person. or 2. Being away from these people, But still I wish good luck to him as a friend.

Not sure when the Day will break and shadows flee away.

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